Jasjit Purewal ---

This page is dedicated to the living spirit of a dear colleague, a woman of myriad moods, intense, passionate and somber in turn and whose unexpected infectious bubble of laughter was one of her most endearing traits. Srijata Sanyal left her body on May 25th, 2004 in the early hours of the morning in a Calcutta hospital. Her husband and companion of many years, Bijit woke up to find her gasping for breath. The hospital diagnosed it as a massive heart attack and were unable to revive her. Her mother says she had never been diagnosed for any heart condition before and is unable to understand why Srijata left so suddenly. Her dearest friend and companion, her dog, mourns a loss he cannot even share.

Srijata has left us all in a silence which is not easy to share. For many of her colleagues from Sakshi and Ifsha, the memories are more like sutures which held together the frames of personas that they built and became in Sakshi/Ifsha. These sutures have suddenly come alive with an ache, as if they had never merged in the blossoming self. Perhaps to remind us lest we forget, the gratitude we owe to those who colour the tapestry of what we know as our lives. Perhaps just life’s way of reminding us that death can never be an ending. Srij who had left Ifsha nearly 4 years ago, in search of her own truth, had hardly been in touch. And yet in death she has emerged exactly where she lived. In all our hearts! For the continuum called Srij, lives through all those she loved, and crafted with her special gifts. This dawning truth is her last gift to us all.

For me, Srijata was one of the key engineers of the dream called Sakshi. As my first employee, she stumbled into my office, high on Foucault and Jacques Derrida, her Saviour Sultans from the esoteric cliques of JNU (her resident university then). Armed with voracious didactics, she came ready to storm the feminist struggle with the arsenal of theoretical giants. And I wondered, if somewhat bemused, how this impassioned youngster would fare in the ground reality of women’s needs and traumas. We had a stormy if somewhat fun beginning.

But entirely to Srijata’s credit, was the effort she made to de-school her wisdom, to learn and absorb and to leave herself vulnerable to the harsh realities we encountered as a trauma center on a daily basis. Srij rose to be an excellent trainer on gender, violence and trauma. Her ability to relate to clients and participants became her greatest strength and her desire to nurture allowed people to warm towards her almost instantly. Srij was a tireless worker and loved her job. Her efforts with some of the most difficult and complex clients were laudable. Srij had blossomed into a clear, articulate and inspiring facilitator. One of the best! And had the rare ability to understand and manage the subtlest of techniques in training.

Srij was particularly gentle and supportive to all youngsters who joined Sakshi. She took away so much of my pressure by being there for training, helping and offering personal time to many of her colleagues. Maya, Javita, Devi and Kavita all owe much to her support. And she gave uniquely. For Jav she was the Facilitator role model who nurtured Javita with care and excellence. For Kavita, Srij was the rooting principle in so, so many ways. For Maya she provided so many spaces in ways only Srij could and for Devi she was friend, companion and guide at so many points. For all of you I feel and know the pain for in your own way you all returned her love and support in so many ways. Devi especially gave Srij so much support and care when she needed it most. And all those moments and memories echo in all of us, rich and deep like the fertile soil in which so many saplings of the self got planted and fed.

To her parents, whose loss is immeasurable, I wish them to know that their daughter gave of her life to many who needed her, with love and selflessness. By sharing of her light with the world, she leaves with many blessings upon her. To her siblings, I hope that their loss will wane in the knowledge of her strengths and talents. Especially to her brother Babu, whom she always spoke of with the greatest affection, I hope her loving heart will always be his inspiration. And for Bijit, I can only hope that that arduous road of loving leaves behind enough strength and beauty, to fill his present with acceptance and his future with hope.

With every thought of her, there is also the regret of wondering why her heart came to the end of its struggles with love, quite so suddenly. And then there is the knowing that she knew best, when her journey must take her into another realm. Paying tribute to her being and memory must include that acceptance. She found her peace for she gave as much as she could.

Dear, dear Srij

In gratitude and prayer, for the wonder of your soul and the gift of your love, I bow to the Grace that led you into my life and filled it with beautiful and fun moments. In the dance of the Infinite, where nothing really ends, until we meet again, dear friend, I bid you farewell with these simple words of an ancient Zen monk:

You live beyond
The wards of Blue Gate;
Walking or sitting,
There’s South Mountain view.
A safe distance
From the general hubbub,
I’m sure you’re at peace
When day ends.
Below the fence
Frogs are calling;
Grass greens
The entrance to your door.
I’m fond of passing by your residence;
It’s only sad I must return
At dusk alone.

- Chang Chi (776-829)

Anusheh Hussain ---

My Dearest Srij,

It’s taken me a while to grapple with the reality of you passing away. Up until the moment we spoke to your mother there was a part of me which was refusing to believe that you had died. I kept thinking your mum would tell us that you were alive and well. But that didn’t happen Srij and I found myself lost in a sea of sadness and shock. Endless questions arose in my mind. Why would someone so young and so talented die so suddenly of a heart attack? Why wasn’t there a warning? Why do we take life for granted? Why did it take ten months for this news to reach us? And with these questions came also a tide of memories of time spent together. Moments of love and laughter and great companionship.

I had met you in the early 90’s at the Kasuli workshop organized by Sakshi and you and I had hit it off almost instantly. Your wit, intelligence and that wide-eyed innocence of yours that made all who knew you feel protective and indulgent towards you, led you into my heart and I knew this was going to be a great friendship. And so it was.

You were both friend and mentor Srij. In the sea of relationships that life inevitably surrounds one with you were one of the rare spaces in my life uncomplicated by expectations, jealousies, resentments and other such issues. There was just humour, support and love and I can’t tell you how much that has meant to me. Perhaps that is why Srij despite the fact that we didn’t communicate much over the last few years you remain as vibrant and real in my heart and during these difficult days of coming to terms with your leaving I have felt your comforting and loving presence all around me. But then this is what connections made from the heart are all about. They are truly beyond death.

I was always in awe of your professional self Srij. You were an excellent trainer and I learnt many many things from you. I can never forget your training contributions towards my NGO in Pakistan. You helped me turn around some intensely difficult counseling cases and the effortlessness with which you did it was a source of great inspiration not only for me but for the entire team at Sahil. Now in death you teach me again about living, loving and what true friendship must be about.

“Each that we lose takes part of us;
A crescent still abides,
Which like the moon, some turbid night,
Is summoned by the tides.”

Thank you so much Srij for having always been there for me. Thank you for your love, for the warmth, for the humour, for being so inspiring and for leaving me with so many wonderful memories. May your journey be full of peace and light. For me you live on in my heart.

Maya Ganesh ---

When I look back at my life with you Srij I like to think that there were many secret spaces we shared. There was raucous laughter, a rolling of the eyes, an intense passion for things Other People didn’t get. We had a nice little world peopled with books and ideas, dirty jokes, and mad capers. We believed very deeply in the power of the Life of the Mind, and its something that we always shared.

Everyone remembers your fondness for French philosophers, maybe I was one person who actually heard you talk about them through your own understanding and intelligence. I didn’t know about these people and was ever willing to listen. Today when I read about the concept of the Panopticon in the role of the media and the creation of beauty myths, there’s a tip o’ the nib thanks to you. You had a way of explaining things to me that didn’t patronize or belittle. You were a super teacher.

You felt my passion, the intensity, the mad unthinking arrogance, and you were the one person who I could take criticism about these things from. Because you knew and understood them as your own. You rarely talked down to me because you saw me as an equal.

I remember once, very early on in Sakshi, having to go speak about CSA at a meeting – in Hindi! This little south Indian was more terrified than ever and nothing I had read could not and did not come to my rescue. You did. I appreciated that you did not write the entire speech out for me. You made me write it in English, and then translate it as best I could. Openly laughing at my pathetic attempts and making a joke of it all, one you could liberally share around the office, you eventually helped me tidy it up. You were the only person I could practice in front of. You shared your own tortured stories of speaking in Hindi at meetings and workshops. Some of these were the stuff legends were made of in Sakshi.

I have wonderful memories of being with you Srijata.
Of long workshop hours of listening and talking and thinking.
Of being in fabulous locations away from the city, and looking up at the night sky, smoking, each one dreaming of another way of being as women and as human beings.
Of furious arguments about the State of the World/Men/Women/Sex/Love/Destiny.
Of feeling a sense of kinship with people like you who also dreamed big, felt deeply, and longed passionately.
Of long nights of merry making and madcapping, of indulgences and giggles.
Of gaffes and mistakes and making up.
Of trying to get you to dip in the cold Ganga in Rishikesh and hysterical with laughter at your distaste for the water.
Of sharing pain and shame and feeling the release because you didn’t judge.
Of working late and ordering take out pizza, of trying to make her cups of coffee and get the combination of black coffee and sugar just right. (Only Puran Singh made the best black coffee eh Srij?)

With time I got to know you better, and see the shadows, the insecurities. They pained me. Sometimes I felt that there were things that perhaps I could teach you. Though when I tried it was difficult, because then the differences would come into stark relief. There was also an underlying sense of competition between us. We never spoke of it but it was there, for better or for worse. Later, after you went back to Calcutta I missed that competition, the edge, the challenge. After you there was no other colleague I felt as challenged or charged by.

I often felt awkward being witness to your pain because I couldn’t handle it as gently as you handled mine.

And as we went our separate ways even as we worked alongside, I would always feel reassured in knowing that you would be there to understand and make sense of what I felt or thought or experienced. I knew I could talk to you about practically anything.

Srij, I don’t know if I ever really understood you the way you wanted to be understood; but I know I shared some amazing times with you and loved being with you. I feel poverty stricken of language to speak of how I love you and cherish your memory; like the spaces we shared, some of these are too private to voice.

I do have regrets Srijata. I regret that I didn’t say goodbye properly. I regret that I judged you too quickly. I regret that I didn’t tell you what you have meant to me. I can only hope that you knew.

So now I thank you for the care and love and guidance you gave me, for the shared integrity of values, and for being part of my history. Maybe we’ll meet again in a dream beyond this reality. Till then, I’m raising my cup of sugary black coffee in a toast to the spirit of a special friend, a very special Gollum.

“There are a hundred places where I fear
To go, -- so with her memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell her foot or shone her face
I say, "There is no memory of her here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering her”

- Edna St. Vincent Millay -

Muhammad Saifullah ---
Pakistan

Im so shocked to hear of Srijata’s passing away that I cannot express myself..... Its amazing that I have been thinking about Srijata for some time now, and been wondering how to get in touch with her. She had an amazing personality. I met her first time on my second day at Sahil (ngo), when she was visiting Pakistan for the CSA training workshop. I was touched by her sensitive and compassionate approach towards the issue, and the kind of strength she brought into the proceedings. I learned many things from her in those few days, and on many occasions she surprised me with her command on the various facets of human personality. I believe, that somehow we developed this strong bond of trust and friendship, as we use to speak at length at the end of the day. I feel, it’s a great loss to the world of development that such a talented person is no more with us.

I still remember my second meeting with her, in India, on another Ifsha workshop at Naukuchiatal. The courage with which she would go through the process was simply amazing, even though she was a very sensitive person, but she would manage herself with an amazing strength. "How could I do that [let my guard down] when Im faciliating the process" - she said to me, depicting both strength and her soft side. ... then she comes to me, after my 'compelled audience' at Nainital during workshop time - "has anyone bothered you, please Saif tell me, I Can Fix it" she said.... "It was fine Srijata, it was just a routine matter" I reassured her.... but she would insist "No, no please tell me...".... What a great friend she was....

In Delhi, she took me around on a sight seeing trip, from Delhi Haat to Qutab Minar.... I could go on and on, despite the fact that we actually met only twice... It was her strength ... that even though she met someone for a short while she would leave a lasting impression...... Srijata you are still alive in our hearts and memories..... My prayers for her and may God give strength to her family....

Ritu Bhanot ---
Delhi

Dear Srijata,

It has been almost a month since I recieved this news... and I can not accept it. I don't want to accept it. You who tought me so much... how could you go away like this? Why did you leave us like this? You were there... helping everyone, all the time... teasing... I still remember...

So why did you leave? I have been thinking as to what should I write... but all I can find is this refusal to accept what everyone tells me is the truth.

Please return... but then why should you? Probably we have been so selfish... always expecting such a lot from you... and never giving anything... and now... there's nothing we can give... nothing we can do... but our prayers accompany you... wherever you are... we just hope that at least god is kind towards you and will look after you better than we could.

Only, if we knew... can we ever be sure... Anyways, I'll never accept that you are not here... 'coz you are here... with me... I hope... in all that you have tought... in all that you have shared...

May you be happy wherever you are... that's all I wish for you.

Wish you were here...

Sadia Atta ---
Islamabad, Pakistan.

As I write this my eyes are filled with tears and my heart with sadness.. I am shocked that Srijata is no more with us.

I could never have thought that someone as young, energetic and dynamic as Srijata could leave us without any warning and at such a young age.

How can I forget Srijata, she enlightened me with a courageous soul and gave me direction towards the realities of my own personal and professional life. I often recall the heart touching and exciting experience I had when I attended the sexuality workshop Sahil organized in Murree, Pakistan which Jasjit and Srijata conducted and which changed my life forever.

I still remember when Srijata and I were sitting on a bench in Blue Pines Resort and I was expressing my views about my personal life and she was listening to me care fully. She said to me “Sadia you are so articulate in your thoughts and I believe you can do it” I have never been able to forget those words of hers and at every stage of my life her words have been with me and have given me the courage to grow and to be who I am today.

Srijata is no doubt a great loss to the field of development and we have lost a good friend and well wisher too.

My deepest condolences to her husband and her family

Remembering Srijata after one year of losing her and finding her

eOn / One

Between us is physics

Spaces made great and fearful by time and speed

Between us is metaphysics

Closer than clothes on skin

Where the membranes of opposites touch

Where time frays and multiverses live

Between us a moment of

Meeting living loving hoping breathing striving wanting dying

That births infinite

could should why no maybe but and whynots

Between us

In that twinkling moment

Trampolining in timespace

We grabbed a hold

Of a thread in its fabric

That unravels as it binds

The logic in patterns of wood

And in the texture of roses

Stretching vastness into so many small things,

A certain love.

- By Maya Ganesh