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It is important to understand the kinds of difficulties that children may face as a result of divorce

Parents going through a divorce are often worried about what possible negative impact it will have on the children.This is a justifiable concern, and a child-friendly perspective on the issue is what will eventually help a family in transition. It is important to understand the kinds of difficulties that children may face, and use this information to help children emotionally adjust and grow positively through this challenging time in their lives.

It is not necessarily true that children from 'broken' homes are worse off than peers whose families are 'intact'. A family might be intact physically but may be estranged and distant emotionally. Nurturing children is more than just parents staying together. It is the effort and awareness that parents (together and seperately) put in to create a sensitive and loving environment.

Divorce and custody arrangements can be a very tough life experience for parents and children to endure, but it is not impossible to heal or recover from. In fact experiences like this which involve great change and letting go can become pivotal turning points in our and our childrens lives for developing courage, trust, faith and forbearance. What we often see as being destructive, in fact also has an equally powerful creative potential within it. As long as we approach all challenges in life with wisdom and courage and the openess to learn, we can change its outcomes for ourselves and for those around us.

It is common for parents' inter-personal tensions to be aggravated by their concern for children. Some couples are resigned to staying together thinking that a family physically intact is better for children than one where members live separately. The reality could not be further from the truth. Children do not deserve to grow up in a conflict-ridden space, and their notions of love, trust, and intimacy can be severely warped by watching the two people they love most, make a spectacle of themselves and create so much distress in a space which is supposed to provide safety and security to children.

Children living in a tense and uncertain home environment begin to feel that the most intimate spaces can in fact be the most threatening and uncomfortable ones, and as they grow older, they may resent parents for subjecting them to such an atmosphere. This is especially true of violent home situations. From the point of view of children's long-term development, it is better for a couple who cannot get along with each other to separate or divorce, and thereby create a more emotionally stable space for parenting. Divorce can have long-term negative implications if there is lack of communication and emotional safety for children in the process, but if parents are sensitive and aware and do not expose or drag their children into ugly and unpleasant interactions or make them take sides etc., then there is a much greater chance of the entire family pulling through without anyone being irrevocably damaged or scarred in the process. Instead of being a traumatic experience, if properly handled, divorce can help children learn that the power of love and intimacy transcend physical time and space, and that love and respect are such valuable emotions that for their preservation and growth the most fertile environment needs to be maintained - even if that means their parents have to be apart.

1. The family they have always known will be different.
One of the biggest fears for children is change. With divorce, changes will occur in many household responsibilities. Children may have to adjust to new schedules, new homework, mealtime and bedtime routines. They may no longer have contact with some friends and extended family members (such as grandparents or cousins).

2. Loss of attachment.
Children are attached to parents, brothers, sisters, and pets. Changes in how much contact occurs with any of these can cause distress. Having a different bedroom and being away from familiar possessions also create stress.

3. Fear of abandonment.
Children fear that if they have lost one parent, they may lose the other. They may blame themselves, feel unlovable, or feel unsafe. They worry about who will take care of them and even small things like who will pick them up from school. Even children whose parents are not going through a divorce may hear about such an incident from a friend and create confusion and fear for themselves.

4. Hostility between parents.
Arguments, blaming behaviour and tension between parents may make children feel sad, anxious, guilty, angry, confused and alone. Trying to make the children take sides or turn against one parent creates confusion for the children by placing him/her in the middle of an adult struggle. It is important to not expose children to such behaviours and parents should try and keep things as cordial and pleasant as possible between them, without blaming each other, so that children don't feel that they have to take sides and can make up their own minds about their parents.

5. Children feel used.
Parent's hostility and anger towards each other can ricochet off onto the child; one parent might paint a negative picture of the other to express their vengefulness, which not only damages the child's relationship with both of you, but also makes the child feel like a pawn. An adult who cannot manage and understand his/her own emotions and needs to manipulate children to feel a sense of power over the other partner, is damaging the child for a lifetime. Children can carry bitterness and resentment towards parents who use them as pawns in their emotional wars, and this affects the kind of relationships they will form when they grow up.

Divorce can impact on children in a number of ways:

They display a wide range of emotions.
They express their pain and anger differently at different ages.
They may turn their anger and pain inward and withdraw.
They may turn their anger and pain outward and misbehave.
They may feel responsible for the break-up of the family.
They may fear abandonment.
They may show symptoms of physical illness to express their distress.
They may improve their behavior thinking it could save the marriage.

Do not view the impact of divorce on children as a means to avoid the tension in your marital relationship. Children are very sensitive to their parents moods and will pick up stress and tension between them no matter how subtle it may be.Sometimes it is better for parents to separate rather than subject their children to a home where conflict is the norm and children are caught in a war zone. There are adults who reflect on the conflict-ridden home of their childhood, and carry a lot of resentment against either one or both parents for not ending the marriage and freeing them of the constant tension.

Children's reactions to parental divorce are related to how parents inform them of their decision. Because of this, it is important for parents to think carefully about how they will tell their children and what they will tell them. If parents are unsure about this they can seek professional advice. Once they have agreed on what to say and how to say it, the entire family (parents and children only) should meet together so that both parents can answer children's questions and reassure them..

It is important to remember that children are always aware of tensions in the home, so a pattern of open and honest communication leading up to the divorce is most helpful; don't expect that a history of silence and furtiveness will be erased in a child's mind by a sudden family caucus when the divorce is physically enacted.

The following tips might make this a smoother process:

Set aside time to meet as a family
Plan ahead of time what to tell children
Stay calm
Plan to meet again to answer more concerns

Remember that divorce is confusing for children. When you first talk with children, limit your discussion to the most important and most immediate issues; children can become confused if they are given too much information at once. Children need to hear that their basic needs will be met, like someone will still fix breakfast in the morning, help them with their homework, tuck them into bed at night, that parents will be there for them in every way possible, that they will always be loved and important. Children also need to know that their relationship with BOTH parents will continue, if possible. In the face of so many changes, children need to hear what will remain the same. Parents must reassure their children through words and actions that their love and support will continue despite the changes in routine family life.

Divorce can take on additional societal pressures for children because of the taboo that surrounds it, especially in Asia where the notion of the family is sacrosanct. Be conscious that the responses of relatives, extended family and school friends are going to leave an impression on your child. A single mother, or a mother who leaves a marriage is often ostracised and rejected by society and children could also pick up on this. Additionally societal notions of gender stereotypes already ingrained in children might also create negative feelings towards a particular parent. In later life these could most probably get translated into dysfunctional patterns of intimacy with other men and women in their lives.

Give children time and space to talk about their fear and apprehensions

During these family discussions, it is important for parents to tell children that the divorce is final and avoid giving children false hopes that the parents will reunite. Parents can also use this time to tell children that the divorce is not their fault. Most children commonly believe that the divorce is the result of something that they did. For instance, when asked why parents divorce, some children may explain that parents are divorcing because the children misbehaved or received bad marks in school. Children need repeated reassurance from parents that they are not responsible for the divorce.

Remember to ask children about their fears and concerns. Give children time to think about the divorce and the changes ahead. Meet again as a family to talk about new questions and to reassure children of your ongoing involvement in their lives. Take your children's questions and concerns seriously and LISTEN to what they say.

As stated by one child, "this is going to affect the rest of my life and I don't know if they just don't realize that, or don't care, or what, but I don't feel like I'm being heard." Children need to know that parents recognize the impact of divorce on children's lives. By listening to children's thoughts and feelings about the divorce, parents demonstrate their ongoing care and concern.

When it comes to custody issues be open and frank with your children, and tell them that it is not going to be possible to have both parents around at all times and all the time. You need to talk to your children about the possible arrangements and be prepared for emotional outbursts in some children, withdrawal and resentment in others. Do not use custody matters to get back at your spouse or to manipulate your children for this could damage them in serious ways. As much as you love and care for them and want them to be with you (the parent who does not get custody), it is important to recognize that they need to be in a space that offers them a sense of continuity, the care of friends and family, and they deserve these support systems. They are already feeling bereft by the divorce and a custody arrangement that does not keep the child's best interest in mind can be extremely harmful. If parents and children cannot sort out custody arrangements outside the courtroom, do not expect that the judicial system will assuage the situation, in fact it will only worsen it. Custody battles in court can often be traumatic, tension-ridden and create more hostility, not only for you and your spouse, but also for your child. The ideal way of resolving the issue of custody is by parents mutually coming to an understanding about the issue. If required the same can then be confirmed through a court order.

Opening Lines: How to talk about divorce/seperation

A separation is when parents decide to live apart from each other and figure out what to do about their marriage.
A separation is a hard thing to talk about. It's not always easy telling people that your mom and dad are not living together anymore.
Sometimes kids feel caught in the middle during a separation.
Usually children want their parents to stay together. But sometimes things feel so bad that children wish their parents would separate.
Sometimes things are better for a family when parents decide to separate.
My leaving is not connected to loving you. I am leaving because your mother/father and I do not get along. I love you as much as ever, and I always will.
A divorce is when two people decide they no longer want to be married. They can't live together happily anymore. They decide to stop being husband and wife. They just have different ideas about things. We will always be parents to our children.
One thing never changes. Your mom will always be your mother, and your dad will always be your father. You still have a family when your parents get divorced.
Kids cannot cause a divorce. They also cannot keep a mom and dad together.
Being a parent and being a husband or wife are two different (and separate) jobs. Divorce, like marriage, is between adults only.

"What I need from my mom and dad"

I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Even if you don't live close by, please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions about who I spend time with and what I like and don't like to do. When you don't stay involved in my life, I feel like I'm not important and that you don't really love me.
Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me and my needs. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don't have to send messages back and forth. I want you to talk with each other so that the messages are communicated the right way and so that I don't feel like I am going to mess up.
When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don't say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are putting me down and expecting me to take your side.

Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems

Divorce and the ensuing custody arrangements can lead to a number of reactions in children. Be aware of the reactions and respond to them with your instinct and with the child's best interest in mind, knowing that they are not always capable to understanding the situation, and are likely to blame themselves for what happened.

Age of the Child	What the Child Understands	Possible Reactions	Strategies for Parents
*Infants*	Does not understand conflict, but may react to changes in parent's energy level and mood.	Loss of appetite. Upset stomach - may spit up more. More fretful or anxious.	Keep normal routines. Remain calm in front of the child. Seek help from family and friends. Rest when the child rests Maintain warm, safe contact. Do not deprive the child of his or her favorite toys, blanket, or stuffed animal.
*Toddlers*	Understands that a parent has moved away, but doesn't understand why.	More crying, clinging. Sleeping problems Regression to infant behaviors (back to diapers, thumbsucking). May feel anger, may not understand why he or she feels that way. May worry when parent is out of sight. May withdraw, bite, or be irritable.	Stick to routines Be reassuring, nurturing. Allow some return to infantile behaviors, but set clear limits. Try not to be in a hurry all the time. Spend time alone with the child (cuddle, read). Give the child time with another responsive adult (grandparent, close friend).
*Pre-Schoolers*	Doesn't understand what separation or divorce means. Realizes one parent is not as active in his or her life.	Has pleasant and unpleasant fantasies. Feels uncertain about the future. May feel responsible. May hold anger inside. Feels that he or she should be punished. May be accident prone. May become aggressive and angry toward parent he or she lives with.n May have more nightmares. Experiences feelings of grief because of sudden absence of parent	Encourage the child to talk. Use books to help the child talk about feelings. Set aside "child time" each day. Tell the child repeatedly that he or she is not responsible for the divorce or separation and that he or she will be taken care of. Tell the child he or she will be safe. Let non-custodial parent maintain a regular presence (a phone call several times each week). Assure the child that he or she will be able to visit with the other parent. Allow more unhurried time every day.
*Grades 1-5*	Begins to understand what a divorce is. Understands that her or his parents won't live together anymore and that they may not love each other as before	Feels deceived and feels a sense of loss. Hopes parents will get back together. Feels rejected by the parent who left.n Ignores school and friendships. Worries about the future. Fears nobody will be there to pick him or her up from school. Complains of headaches or stomach aches. Has trouble sleeping. Tries to recreate "what was." Experiences loss of appetite, sleep problems, diarrhea, frequent urination.	Encourage the child to talk about how he or she feels. Answer all questions about the changes that are taking place, and keep lines of communication open. Be sensitive to signs of depression and fear. Seek professional help if depression is prolonged or intense. Plan special time together. Reassure your child that everything will be all right, just different. Keep daily routines intact. Respect, but monitor, the child's privacy. Don't dwell on adult problems. Encourage the child to say how he or she feels, but don't use expressions such as "be brave" or "don't cry." Prevent family members from painting the other parent in a negative light Be aware that your child might feel more isolated at school because divorce is stigmatized in our society and children might feel like they have to keep a 'secret'to protect the family name.
*Grades 6- 12*	Understands but doesn't accept the divorce	Feels angry and disillusioned. Feels abandoned by the parent who is leaving. Tries to take advantage of parents' low energy and high stress levels. Tries to take control over family. Shows extreme behavior (good and bad). Some become moralistic, others resort to high-risk behaviors (drugs, shoplifting, skipping school). Tries to be an "angel" to bring the family back together. May try to cut one or both parents out of her or his life if she or he feels rejected. Feels like he or she will never be able to have a long-term relationship. Feels like he or she must grow up too soon. Worries about finances	Continue to talk about each step of the divorce. Maintain two-way communication. Keep routines and maintain rules. Remind the child that the parents "own" the problem, and free him or her from guilt. Continue to monitor the child's activities. Don't involve the child in parental struggles. Don't use the child as a replacement partner. (Don't discuss adult problems with him or her.) Ensure the presence and support of your friends or family members who can give your child space to talk and express themselves.

Single Parenting

When parents divorce, brothers and sisters may begin to interact differently. While some siblings become closer at this time, others may argue more and become emotionally distant. It is difficult to predict how children will respond in a particular family.

The emotional stress that parents feel following divorce may temporarily reduce the amount of attention they are able to give their children. As a result, some children turn to one another for nurturance and support. Because siblings experience many of the same emotions, they are able to understand each other's feelings and concerns and reassure each other.
Some children, however, may begin to engage in more conflict with their siblings. These children may feel confused and angry about the changes that are occurring in their family and take these negative feelings out on their siblings. Some siblings also engage in more conflict because it is a way in which to compete for their parents' attention.

Parents may be able to reduce their children's rivalry by talking with them, listening to them, and spending some time alone with each child. Parents also need to realize that younger siblings may have an easier time expressing their confusion than their older siblings.

Therefore, parents should be sure to talk to the older siblings even if they do not seem upset. It is also important for parents to encourage children to continue certain family rituals that were established before the divorce, such as fixed times for homework etc. so they will have some feeling of continuity and stability.

Knowing the law and the guidelines followed by court in custody cases is important. It is equally vital for you to be aware of the steps and precautionary measures to take while claiming custody because there are social, family, and legal biases heaped against women in situations of marital breakdown. Here are some guidelines:

Courts believe in maintaining status quo. So, you have a better chance of retaining custody of a child that is already with you, rather than being awarded custody of a child that is with your spouse or his relatives when you approach the court.
No woman is legally bound to claim custody of her child. Do not take custody of your child if you cannot give him adequate time and care.
If you are compelled to leave your matrimonial home due to cruelty or other reasons, and if you intend claiming custody of your child try to take your child with you at the time of your departure.
If you do manage to take your child with you, apply to court for custody promptly.
If you are unable to take physical custody of your child at the time of leaving your matrimonial home, lodge a police complaint immediately, to state the facts on record. Keep a copy of the complaint with you, with due acknowledgement from the police station.
If you wish to obtain custody of your child that is not physically with you, you must approach a court of law without any delay. Any delay could be interpreted by the court as an indication of your lack of care and interest for your child.
Do not give up custody of your child because you have no financial capacity to look after the child. The law states that the child's father is duty-bound to pay maintenance for the child. You can claim maintenance for your child in court. Such a maintenance amount would include expenses for education, food, medicines, clothes and entertainment.
If you approach the court for custody of your child, it is advisable to collect evidence not only of your child's emotional attachment to and physical dependence on you and vice versa, but also your husband's (or his relatives') neglect of the child. Evidence of the manner in which you have cared for your child will also be relevant (such as a report card showing good academic performance of the child)
Do not brainwash / tutor your child or use the child as a bargaining tool in your clashes with your spouse or his relatives. This could have a negative psychological affect on your child. The courts frown upon such behaviour as well.
If you find that your child is being treated badly by your husband / his relatives, do not hesitate to try and take the child into your custody physically. In such a case, you should immediately place the facts on record in the nearest police station, and also approach an advocate for filing a custody petition in court on your behalf without any delay.

Books and Movies about Coping with Divorce

Sometimes it is useful to introduce books and movies about divorce and family conflicts to children to help them understand that the situation is common and that they are not the only ones who are experiencing this. Such aids may help provide solutions to children for coping with the family situation. Books and movies can also help begin or continue discussions with children about divorce and how it is affecting them. Unfortunately not many of these movies are made in India.

A Nice Arrangement. Directed by Gurinder Chadha. Set in the London home of an Indian family on the morning of their daughter's wedding, A Nice Arrangement takes a wry look at the most prominent Indian obsession -- marriage. Meena, the young bride, changes into her traditional bridal gear with the help of her divorced friend, Sita. Together, the women explore why they chose to marry the "perfect" cultural choice for their parents
Drown Soda: directed by Nisha Ganatra. deals with the life of a young girl, whose parents get divorced. Her father is Indian, mother is American. The mother has custody of their two children, and the father's interaction with his daughter is limited to a few arranged meetings, making it a traumatic experience for both. The film goes on to show how the father and daughter rebuild their relationship
Astitva, directed by Mahesh Manjrekar Starring: Tabu, Sachin Khedekar, Mohnish Behl, Namrata Shirodkar. The film portrays the struggles of a ‘traditional’ Indian wife and how she copes with many aspects of the morality that restrains Indian women and condones cavalier male behavior. An overbearing husband, the wife’s secret guilt that their son was conceived through a brief out-of-wedlock relationship, and the presence of “progressive” women friends who encourage the wife to create a space and voice for herself, even through divorce if need be.
Kramer vs. Kramer: A 1970s Academy Award winning film starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep about separation, custody battles, and a father who has to learn how to communicate with his pre-school son after his wife has left the marital home.
Aapka Banti, by Mannu Bhandari. One of the earliest books on this theme. Originally in Hindi, translated into English by Jai Rattan, 1983. The narrator is a child who tells us about his parents' divorce -- all the tensions, fights that go on, mother's relationship with another man, and neighbours' comments on his mother. It centers on the effects of a divorce on a child, but is also about the adults going through the divorce.
Ancient Promises, by Jaishree Misra. A semi-autobiographical story about a woman's journey of escape from an unpleasant marriage
The God of Small Things, by Arundhati Roy. The story of twins, Estha and Rahel, and Ammu, the twin's mother, who is divorced from their father, and they live in Ammu's family home in Kerala.