|  Isn't
Domestic Violence (DV) a personal matter between two people
?
Domestic
violence (DV) is a crime. The fact that most of it happens
in the privacy of the home doesn't make it a private matter.
The sacrosanct stature of marriage and the emphasis the society
lays on the family unit makes it difficult for a victim of
DV to speak out against abuse, as such exposure could result
in the break up of the family, and life-long stigma in the
case of a woman victim. None of this changes the fact that
DV is a crime and of concern to the entire society.
My
husband hits me occasionally, when he's drunk, but he feels
guilty later and apologises for his behaviour. He is otherwise
very considerate. Is this Domestic Violence?
You
may be a part of a cycle of violence that moves endlessly
betweeen abuse and repentance by your husband. Many women
feel that a little bit of hitting is not really ABUSE and
not worth the shame and hurt of breaking up an otherwise happy
home. Every person has her/his own standards of what constitutes
unacceptable behaviour. We feel that any violence - physical
or emotional - is unacceptable and lowers our worth as human
beings, in our own and in our partner's eyes.
Do
women provoke rape by the way they dress, talk or behave?
It
is a common myth that women often invite violence against
them by their behaviour. This is a convenient excuse to avoid
placing responsibility on the abuser. Such a belief implies
that the abuser is an automaton with no control over his actions.
This is obviously not true given the cunning and calculation
most abusers employ to avoid detection. Such beliefs curtail
the fundamental rights of women and are ways of controlling
their lives by dictating the terms under which they will not
be assaulted - when safety from physical harm is every person's
undeniable right.
Can
men be raped?
Men
can and do get raped. Sodomy is the penile-anal penetration
of a man by another man. Sodomy performed on a person against
his will constitutes rape. The trauma and pain of rape can
be equally crippling for men and women.
Doesn't
the law on Sexual Harassment create hostility between male
and female colleagues?
Sexual
Harassment at the workplace is a reality in the lives
of most career women. Women have typically remained silent
about it because the workplace was considered a man's world.
Laws to prevent harassment are intended to ensure a healthy
and equitable atmosphere at the workplace, and only those
guilty of Sexual Harassment are likely to see it as leading
to hostiltiy, as their 'right' to offensive behaviour is under
threat.
Is
masturbation harmful to the body?
Masturbation
causes no harm to the body. It doesn't lead to weakness, blindness,
or (in men) impotence. It is a natural practice and both men
and women masturbate. The myths surrounding masturbation and
its debilitating effects on the body and mind are scientifically
false. These myths are spread by people such as quack 'sexologists'
who wish to exploit people's ignorance and anxiety concerning
all things sexual. Masturbation is not a disease and therefore
has no 'cure'.
Is
it all right to have premarital sex?
The
choice to engage in sexual
activity is always a personal one based on a person's
desires and needs. Sex is an expression of your sexuality
and no one but you can decide whether such expression is 'right'
for you at the given moment or not. It is, however, important
to be aware of your rights and safety at all times. You are
responsible for any choice you make and it is therefore imperative
that you do not do anything against your will.
Over
the last few years my husband has shown signs of aggression
towards me. He has pulled my hair, twisted my arm a couple
of times and literally pulled me out of the door and told
me to leave. I have 2 small children. He is normally very
nice and I love him but this violence is scaring me. Does
his action constitute Domestic Violence and what can I do
about it? He is under a lot of stress at work and we have
financial problems. How can I persuade him to get help? He
loves his kids and is a good father but he gets soangry towards
me that I dont know how long I can stay with him.
We
can understand that you husband is under stress but that does
not necessarily have to result in physical violence. Many
men live with stress and dont resort to violence. We suggest
you get help before the situation deteriorates which it may
well do. You can suggest to him to see a counsellor but if
he is unwilling you really cant do much. We suggest that regardless
of whether he gets help or not, you get help. Please remember
that this could be causing a lot of stress for your children
too. As much as they may love him, they need you to be safe
and happy. In the face of an unhappy household children often
feel better when parents move apart.
Do
I have to have my spouse arrested before I can apply for a
Domestic Violence order? He has been physical with me but
mostly its verbalabuse and I cant get enough rest to continue
to work. He has threatened to kill me if I call the police
to our house again and he claims he wouldnt go without a big
scene. Any advice is appreciated.
We
would like to say that emotional violence is the first step
to physical violence. He has already threatened you and been
physically agressive and yo umay not want to take a chance
on a threat like that. Not being able to get enough rest is
a severe form of violence. We would advise you to get immidiate
support. You need to worry about your own safety first. The
consequences for him will have to be a direct result of his
own actions and you cannot and must not take responsibility
for those.
My
problem is that I am a homosexual and I feel like I am a woman
trapped in a man's body. As much as I want to share it with
someone, I fear that if my parents get to know about it they
will not be able to handle the news. I am the only son and
my parents had me after a gap of 10 years. I have two sisters,
one is 10 years elder to me and the other is 8 years elder
to me. I have grown up with girls and so I think that that
is the reason why apart from their way of speaking and behaving,
I have picked up their sexuality too. I am hurting real bad
inside because I dont know what to do abou this. May be you
can suggest something.
Firstly
you have to stop referring to your sexuality
as a "PROBLEM". Many more people are homosexual
in this world than you can imagine or than would like to admit
to it. That does not make it a disease. It just means that
sexuality is a far more complex and varied phenomena than
the world would like to admit. You are just becoming an adult.
It is time to begin to know and discover yourself and one
of the things you are discovering is that your sexuality is
different.
Secondly,
sexuality is not a disease. So you cannot catch it off your
sisters etc. Our sexual self is a deep rooted expression of
our intimacy. It gets influenced by our childhood experiences
and the role models around us too. People who have been sexually
abused as children, both boys and girls, grow up with a very
distorted sexual self. Then whether they are heterosexual
or gay in their choices doesnt mean their sexual self is healthy.
There are many heterosexual people who abuse children, rape
women and abuse their wives. Is their sexuality healthy merely
because they are heterosexual? In our research and couseling
work, we have come across many gay men who were sexually abused
in childhood by some male figure. The repression of this memory,
the hidden anger and confused self - perception because for
men, being penetrated by another man, often means that they
are "like women" all contribute to many men growing
up thinking they are gay. I am trying to make you understand
that sexuality per se is a very complicated phenomena and
one that each man and woman needs to understand as a net total
of life experiences. It is also the least healed self of ours
and carries many pains and scars.
What
you need to be warned against is to add the scar of self-rejection
or shame to yourself. Accept who you are WITHOUT JUDGEMENT
and instead try to look at your whole sexual history since
childhood. Try and figure out why you are attracted to men
and what is it that you are seeking in sexual intimacy. Has
there been a lack of emotional intimacy with your father in
childhood? Do you fear or dislike him? Many of these questions
will help you understand your sexuality.
For
now dont worry about your family finding out. First work at
understanding yourself. If you burden yourself with worrying
about their expectations you will never be able to do justice
to your own inner truths. Check our website's SEXUALITY
sections to understand more about human sexuality. Read the
HEALING
section to look at the evolution of man and how we need to
accept and love ourselves first if we want to be complete
people. And do not feel that you are weird or sick because
you are attracted to men.
I
am going to marry shortly. On first night, if I have sex with
my partner without a condom, then, is there any chance of
contracting diseases like HIV / AIDS / STD or anything else?
If yes, then how will she become pregnant and what are the
precautions to be taken during intercourse?
It
is always advisable to use a condom. Many people think that
using a condom means that you dont trust your sexual partner.
However this is not the case. Your sexual partner may also
be completely unaware that he/she has a disease that may be
transmitted to you. It
is always better to be safe than sorry. For both people
involved in a sexual act it is safer if the man wears a condom
as it is the most effective contraceptive
in terms of prevention regarding HIV and STD. For pregnancy
ofourse you cannot wear a condom as the sperm needs to enter
the woman, however before that it is advisable to have your
partner and yourself tested for HIV. Also if you have any
itching or discomfort in the genital area then get that treated
before attempting sex without a condom.
Which
are the safe days to have sex without using a condom?
You
can prevent
pregnancy by using a condom or if you are a woman you
can take birth control pills. The safe period for having sex
is based on the rhythm method of knowing when the woman is
least fertile (i.e. when there is the least chance of fertilisation)
which is often just before and just after the menstrual period.
But it is not possible to precisely predict when ovulation
has occurred and what stage the ovum is at. This is therefore
a very unsafe method to use and this period is not 100% foolproof
and should be avoided.
I
am a 15 year old girl. I am in a relationship for the past
4 years now. My boyfriend wants me to have sex with him. I
think its his friends who get these ideas into his head. He
says we could become even closer this way. But I dont feel
I am ready yet and he acts like a kid himself. My relationship
is going off track. Please help!
If
you feel that you are not
ready to have a sexual relationship with your boyfriend
then he needs to respect that. It doesnt matter who is putting
him up to this. Don't let him black mail you into it. Relationships
need to be based on love, trust and respect for each others
desires. If there is no respect then maybe this is not the
right relationship for you. Try and explain this to him. If
he doesn't agree then you may have to make some hard choices.
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